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my co-star, Elisabeth Harnois, in 'Keith' smells really, really bad. I can hardly fricken BREATHE when I'm doing a scene with her. Sometimes she lyk.. comes up to me and says, 'O, Jessay, ditch ur grl Emay n we wil go oyt on a d8 2nite!!11' OHMYGOSH, she can't even SPELL!!! So UNSANITARY! So recently I anonymously sent her a gift containing a DOVE bar of a soap, razors (for those NASTYY, HAIRY LEGS!!!), deodorant, and a bottle of DOVE shampoo and a bottle of DOVE conditioner for that RATTY HAIR!! (she wears wigs to premieres.) Well, guess what? She found out who sent it and then she thought we were playing SECRET ADMIRER!!! She sent me back flower scented deodorent (!!), pink high-heels, and Britney Spears' CD 'Greatest Hits: My Prerogative', and then a note that said 'Hey bay-ba, I expect something real expensive in return!' I nearly threw up- well, actually, I did. I'd ask Nick for advice but he was washing dishes with Pamela and yelling at Aaron, Aaron is wayyy to caught up in his next album, Stevie is just too fricken feminine and Jeremy is at the beach "tanning his legs".
Help me get rid of this awful co-star...
-Jesse
Elisabeth Harnois and Jesse McCartney (ME) on the set of 'Keith'. As you can clearly see, I can barely breathe due to her terrible scent. EWW.
September 11th, 2006
Dear diary,
co-stars are EASY to get rid of but BROS? NOO!!! Stevie, Aaron, Jeremy and Nick are my bros. They're cool bros, but HELLO!??? Some bros like their privacy. Like, this morning I was shaving and JUST WEARING A TOWEL (cuz I just got out of the shower) and then Nick walks in and says, "Hey man, I need to use the toilet!" And this was totally my bathroom, so I said, "Go use YOUR bathroom, man!" Nick told me he would pull my towel off if I didn't leave, so immediately I grabbed my hot orange comb and pink hair gel and left. If you saw the way Nick yells at Aaron, you'd know what I felt at that moment!! So, as I was getting dressed in my closet, Jeremy walks in my bedroom. WITHOUT KNOCKING!!! And he was like, "Jess!! I need your help." I barely had my shirt on yet. Jeremy seemed to think I was in my bathroom, and he started banging on the door really hard. Here's what was said (and done):
Jeremy: (banging on the door) JESSE!!!
Nick: (slams the toilet seat down) WHAT!???!?!!!
Jeremy: Sheesh, J, don't get all angry at me.
Nick: (washes his hands and then opens the bathroom door so fast my hair blew passionately.) RAWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!! (pulls Jeremy into the bathroom)
Jeremy: PLEASE NO!!!!!!!! (screams [femininely])
Nick: THAT'LL TEACH YA, PUNK!
Pamela: Nick, hunnay??!?
Nick: Coming my darling!!!
Pamela: I GOT PINK SOAP!!!
Nick: OMG! (drops Jeremy and runs out of my room)
Well, Nick was going to flush Jeremy's head down the toilet but I guess, thanks to Pam, he didn't. Jeremy's still recovering from the incident. And if you think that's annoying, get this: Stevie walks into my room and asks me to help him write songs for his new album, which will be total garbage. I told him "Hire someone" and then he showed me that he only had twenty-five cents to pay and I told him to be creative. He kept bugging me though!!! Finally, I told him to get lost and he did.
Next thing you know, AARON comes into my room as I am previewing my hot new album, Right Where You Want Me, and tells me to preview some of his demo music for his new album. The names of the tracks were:
1. Whutchu Want On Ur Burger?
2. Love Ur Legs (Interlude)
3. Help Me(Need Ketchup) [MegaFry Remix]
4. The Guy Outside Taco Bell (I'll Never Be That Size Again)
5. Beautifully Passionate
6. AARON IN DAH HOUSE!
7. Baby Back Ribs
I was like, as soon as 'Whutchu Want On Ur Burger?' started, really surprised. I didn't say anything though. I let the CD play through, giving me a headache. As soon as he left, I threw up in the toilet about, uh, twenty times because he sang about fast food like a girl singing about me. With passion, love, and desire!!!! EWWWW. Thankfully that's OVER!
-Jesse
September 15 2006
Dear diary,
today was suchhhhhhh a DRAG!!! OMG. So, I got up really early because I went to bed really early, and I get this phone call:
Guy on the phone: HELO!? HELO!?
Me: Uh, yeah?
Guy: Im b lukin 4 a Jese mckartny?
Me: O-M-G, you can't even spell!!!
And then I hung up! I tell people COUNTLESS times that I will not put up with someone who can't spell when they talk! I should totally hire someone to answer the phone and tell me who it is before I grace someone with my dainty voice.
So, lyk, I get all dressed and hot for the day and then Aaron walks into my room wearing his BOXERS!!! I'm like, "Oh, ewwww..." And Aaron just looks at me as if I said no to dating Emily. Here's the conversation:
Me: Dude, what do you want?
Aaron: I needa borrow some shaving cream.
Me: What for? You never shave.
Aaron: I'm meeting this total babe named Angel Carter at TACO BELL this morning.
Me: ...your sister Angel?
Aaron: Don't be talkin' trash, bro! I don't got no sistah called 'Angel'. God, what a stupid name.
Me: OK, whatever.
Aaron: So, sum shavin' cream for yer old buddy old pal?
Me: Fine! But only a LITTLE BIT!!!!
So, when he sprays the shaving cream on his face, I'm thinking, 'Oh no, what if he uses my HOT shaving cream up?', and then I peaked into my bathroom where I saw him spraying it on his legs, stomach, BUTT, and arms! I was like, 'WHOA, A.C. DON'T!!!!!!!!' In the end, he got my extra fab shaving cream. Crap. I gotta buy some more.
So, once Aaron is gone and shaving.. uh, parts of himself, I'm admiring my beauty in the mirror. I never released how much better looking I am than everyone I've ever met/seen- guy wise.
GOTTA GO!!!
Bro time!!
Love,
Jesse <3
Admiring my hot self in my hot mirror.
September 21 2006
Dear diary,
oh my god! So I went to this children's home just this morning, and let me tell you: it wasn't the most pleasant sight. I brought copies of my hot new CD to give to each of the kids, and I nearly dropped them when I went in. Just wow.
Okay, first, WHAT DO THEY FEED THOSE KIDS!?? FRIGGIN' MCDONALDS!?? Oh my god, they were OBESE!!! I was just stunned. I told my manager to hand out the CDs, and I went to the bathroom. Well, when I walked in there were some kids playing in the sink and I was like, "Omg, man! Get out!" and they ran out. I looked in the mirror at myself. I would've splashed water on my face but the water could've been contaminated with some weird disease!!! Anyway, I stared at my hot self for ten minutes when there was a bang on the door. I opened it and I saw Aaron. YOU KNOW WHAT HE BROUGHT!? FRICKEN MCD'S!!! EWW!!! All the kids were sitting on the floor eating it. Aaron asked me if I wanted a meal, I told him, "No way! I don't want to be obese." Then Aaron let the french fries, milkshake, and cockroach leg fall out of his mouth. (Ew). He had the owner of the home throw me out! THROW ME? JESSE MCCARTNEY? OUT? OH. MY. GOD. I was sooo mad. I called my manager and told her she was fired. I mean, hello!? She didn't do a thing!
So I walked home, and as I was walking there was this guy accross the street smoking LEAVES! I was like, "Whoa," and I used my phone and called a cab immediately. When I got home, guess what? Nick and Pamela were having a dish washing contest on the FRONT LAWN! I was like, "OHMYGOD, NICK!!!!!" and then Nick just gave me this look like 'if you don't bug off, i'll kill you!'. I swear, I gotta teach that guy some manners. So I just left. Pamela and Nick would HAVE to clean up the mess. Anyway, so when I got into my room, STEVIE was jumping on my orange bed with his stupid girlfriend. Here's what happened:
Me: W-T-F, Stevie! Get out!
Stevie: B-but Jesse we are playing.
Me: GET OUT!!!
Stevie: FINE! (runs out of the room crying)
Me: Uh, you should go see your boyfriend.
Girl: lyk k.. (leaves)
I close my door and sigh with relief. Finally, everyone is gone. I decided to clean off that children's home disease garbage off my hot bod, so I got some clothes and went into my bathroom. The first thing I saw was Max Steel action figures floating in my toilet! EW. So I called Stevie and he got rid of them. He's SO lucky I didn't spank him. (I just got my nails manicured!) After he raced out, I closed my bedroom door, and then went into my bathroom and got into the hot shower. As I was singing "Right Where You Want Me" I heard this noise of an electric razor. (Okay, just let me say that ELECTRIC RAZORS ARE SOO LAST YEAR!!!) So, I grab my orange towel, wrap it around my hotness, and peeked out of the shower curtain to see stupid Jeremy SHAVING HIS LEGS ON MY COUNTER. I got so mad I jumped out of the shower and unplugged his electric razor.
Jeremy: Hey man, didn't know you were in here...
Me: GET OUT!!!!
Jeremy: Chill, bro. The plumbers are in my b-room fixing the toilet.
Me: What did you do now?
Jeremy: I got mad at Nick so I flushed his towel down the toilet.
Me: Oh god... just get OUT!
Jeremy: (leaves, closing all doors behind him, cause if he didn't, he knows he would get PUNISHMENT!!!)
So then I get back in the shower and finish up. Once I'm done dressing, I do my hair all nice. I pulled out my new bottle of hot pink hair gel and put some in my hands, and slick it back real nice. Then I combed it with my hot orange comb. I looked really hot.
I'd better go now, I've got some stuff to do!
Love the hottest guy ever,
Jesse
September 24th, 2006
Deary diary,
this morning was so pitiful! I got up at 8, had my hot shower, shaved, did my hot hair with hot pink hair gel, and went into my kitchen. I guess Stevie got up at 7 this morning because I heard teletubies coming from the TV. Ew. I went into the kitchen anyway and I saw Stevie making PANCAKES!!! I was like, "Whoa, Stevie bro, you're only five... you can't make pancakes!". Stevie isn't actually five, he just looks and acts five. Stevie replied to me in a whiny tone, "I'm not five!!!111 I can cook pancakes if I want!!!". I just rolled my eyes. I knew that when he burnt himself, he wouldn't be all happy over making pancakes anymore.
Oddly, Stevie did manage to make pancakes. He asked me to try one. I figured, hey, why not? I should be nice to Stevie once in a while, so I took a pancake, put syrup on it, and started eating it. It tasted really good at first, but o-m-g...
Stevie: So, do you like it?
Me: Yeah, it's good, bro. What's in it?
Stevie: Umm, milk, eggs, baby powder, corn syrup, flour, pancake mix, and pieces of last year's thanks giving turkey.
Me: EWWWWWW! (runs to the bathroom and throws up for twenty minutes)
It was soo gross! I threw out that turkey... last year! What the heck. Maybe he saved a piece or stuffed some of it in his matress for "later". What a SICKO!!! I promise myself that I will never eat one of stupid Stevie's little creations again. Oh, gross! Stevie is eating all the pancakes and Aaron is, too!!! Nick and Pam are out, Jeremy is tanning his hands at the beach today... Wow, sick.
So, yesterday was ridiculous! Aaron was like to me, "Hey, J, bro, wanna go grab some grub?" and I was like, "Sure, man!", I mean, it was the evening and I hadn't had dinner yet. So A.C and I took off in my hot car. We went to this new place in town called "FOOD LEY DELISH" (Aaron's idea, he said one of his gangsta buddies recommended it.). SO, we go inside, get a table for eighteen and sit down.
Me: Dude, why are we sitting at a table for eighteen? I thought this was just a bro, me n you, dinner!
Aaron: Man, you're sooo anal! Of course it's a bro night. I just wanted a big table for all the food.
Me: Aaron, we came here to get dinner, not the entire restaurant's worth of food.
Aaron: Dude, I'm starving! Did you know that guys that go anorexic for a week have to eat 500 pounds of food to gain back his strength?
Me: Aaron? Anorexic? Now that's impossible, HA HA HA HA.
Aaron: (serious facial expression) I'm serious, man. I felt like my toes were HUGE, I had to do something! They look way better now.
Me: Whatever, can we order now, man?
Aaron: Hold up, we gotta wait a few more minutes for me to decide what I want to drink.
(Ten minutes later...)
Me: O-M-G, Aaron!!! I wanna eat. I'm hungry, I'm thirty, I'm--
Aaron: HEY BROS!!!
(Sixteen different guys sit at the table.)
Me: Aaron, what the heck--
Aaron: And y'all, this is my best bro, Jesse McCartney!
Me: Aaron...
Aaron: Aight, let's order!
Oh my god. That was soo ridiculous. So the rest of the evening was spent talking to all these different guys. There was this really annoying one sitting beside me asking me for girl tips everytime I had food in my mouth, and when I didn't, he ignored me. I mean, what??? Do you want me to spit my food on you so you can put it in a jar and sell it on ebay? Ewww. Aaron ignored me everytime I said, "Bro, I'm LEAVING!". Oh yeah, and one guy kept spilling his alcohol on me. I was so mad. I don't want the alcohol scent in my car. This other guy spilt their freaking jello on me- AND THEY WERE AT THE OTHER END OF THE TABLE! I was like, "OK, THAT'S IT!" I paid for my food and left. Nobody cared though. I was so mad. Oh well, Aaron would have to pay a cab to take him home.
Since I was so mad about my pants, I walked into the Wal-Mart that was, luckily, across the street and started looking for some hot pants. They didn't sell any hot baggy pants, so I settled on some jeans and I bought a new t-shirt. I figured, 'Who would see me anyway?', put the stuff on, paid for it, and hired someone to burn my old clothes so noone would find them and sell them on ebay. I walked over to my car, and guess what I found? Stupid Aaron and his friends drinking beer and listening to really loud music FROM MY CAR! Then I saw them passing around something in a plastic baggy, which turned out to be pot. Oh my god, I was soo mad that I got in my car and backed up, threw the CD on the ground and drove away. Nobody got hurt or anything, they all just fell off the car and spilt the drugs, but WHATEVER. I told A.C that if he really wants to be my bro, he'll have to quit!
I guess he's far from that.
Gotta go!
Love the hottest guy ever,
-Jesse
October 25th, 2006
So DEAR DIARY,
!!! I just gotta say that these past 20 days have been nothing but hectic for me!!! OMG!!! So, on October 7th I got up at like SIX AM to go and sign autographs at 10 AM in some CD store in NY. I mean, great, I meet some of my many fans but you'll never believe what one of them did!
So I was innocently sitting and waiting to sign some kid's CD thing and this girl comes up to the table. Okay, so she's really obese. I'm sorry, but she was. Her FAT was on the table that's how fat she was! She screams to me, like I'm 1000000000000 miles away, "O-M-G! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH JESSE. YOU ARE LIKE MY IDOL!" and after she said that I'm thinking, "IDOL, eh??? Well I ain't obese, girl!" And after I signed the cd, took a pic, gave her a hug (she asked, iiick, the thought still makes me shudder), no more trouble!!!! Oh yeah, except this one girl who like... wet herself when she saw me! Poor thing. Ewww.
And then on October 13th I was innocently going to the grocery store to pick me up some shaving cream, razors, y'know, the essentials, and here comes this woman and her daughter screaming, "JESSE!! JESSE!!". At the time, to disguise my hotness from the paparazzi, I was wearing a red hot wig, a hat, and some un-Jesse clothes and when they screamed, my hair and hat blew off and the cameras were flashing like mad! So it was kind of embarassing trying to buy my hot pink woman razors, shaving cream, etc while the paparazzi and these two obsessed fans were following. It's like you going shopping and a bunch of tourists taking pictures and two stupid people following you. IT'S SOOOO ANNOYING!!!! I MEAN NO OFFENCE BUT SERIOUSLY. I need privacy, too!!!
On October 19th, I was at this cool lil pool hang and chill place with my bros and mah girl, Emily. We were all sitting there, enjoying our chiken tendahs when suddenly Stevie says something sooo outrageous, "SO JESSE, DID YOU EVER DATE FANTASIA!?????". The whole entire restaurant of people stared. Even the chef came out of the back room! I was like, "Shh, Stevie! No!!!". It was really weird, but minutes later people stopped staring. Then Nick says, "B-R-B, bros!" and ten minutes later he comes in with Pamela. Pamela walks in and sits on Stevie without realizing it! Nick and her get really deep into conversation about soap while Jeremy and Aaron argue over who gets to wear the pink bathing suit. Emi and I just ate our chiken tendahs and planned a hot date for Friday. THEN SUDDENLY we hear this whining coming from Pamela's butt. It was so nasty at the moment and then Stevie poked his head out and Pamela got up. Stevie got a few bruises, but he's okay.
Then yesterday, October 24th, I was eating ice cream on a bench with Jeremy. He was telling me about his problems- AGAIN! He was like, "There was this really hot chic the other day at the club and I waltzed up to her and said, 'Hey bébé,' and she spilt her kool-aid on me! I was soo freaking mad that I ordered a beer! I'm not allowed beer! I guess I was kind of indulging myself, bro. It was gross, but good, and then this chic comes back up to me and asks me to dance. Then I was like..." and whatever, he was so stupid and got off topic all the time, so I took my ice cream (cause I suddenly lost my appetite from all his jabbering...) and smashed it on his tye dye shirt and walked away. It was kind of weird to look back and see him licking it off his shirt...
People will be people, and Jeremy will always be annoying.
Love your favourite singer,
Jesse
November 18th, 2006
Dear diary,
so, guess what? It's HORRIBLE news! I mean SERIOUSLY. So I was online talking to Emily, mah girl, not too long ago and I find this out from AARON: EMILY IS IN LOVE WITH A GUY NAMED CHRISP. LIKE... EW!!! He's apparently like 17, but really? He srsly must be 12! I bet he is Chris TRUSDAYLE!
I am so, like, I mean, I don't know! And Emily is all different now and I'm like to her, "babe, whats wrong???" and she sighs and says, "nothing...". DUDE!!!!! What did I do!? I still love her! Those pics of me and Katie Cassidy tore her up, but she knows that I hate that woman! She's such a drag queen!
Oh my god, so the other day I was walking down the street sucking on a popcicle and Aaron comes running past me in nothing but his white undergarments! I was like, "AARON!" and he turns and says, "There's a perfectly logical explanation for this... I'LL EXPLAIN LATER!!!" And then he continues running.
So, later on when he gets home he sits on the couch beside me and says, "Supp bro?" and he takes my steak off my plate and shoves it (yes, everything, the bone, the meat, everything...) down his throat. OK, when I have steak that means I WANT steak and NOBODY takes steak from Jesse McCartney when he WANTS it. I got so angry that I scraped my plate off on Aaron's legs, put my plate in the sink and then went into my room and slammed the door. How rude of Aaron!
Anyway, so later that night I was in my room, you know, being all innocent on the computer, whatever, and you know what? The door bell rings. Okay, who the frick comes to the door at 10 o'clock PM!? I walk out of my room and see Aaron paying for TAKE OUT. After what? Eating my entire steak and all the rest of my food that I scraped on his legs (I know he ate it!). So, when Aaron closes the door, this is what happened...
Aaron: Yo, JMac, want some of dis junk?
Me: What you doing, man? You ate my entire plate of dinner and you're still hungry for take out!?
Aaron: I can't help maself. (we're upstairs now) Can I baby? (and I see his sister, Angel Carter, laying on the couch in her bikini. She's soaking wet, I guess she was just in the hot tub...)
Me: W-t-f, Angel! What do you THINK you're doing!?
Angel: Chillin' with my boy.
Aaron: Here, babe. (hands her box of food)
Angel: Thanks, AC. *kisses Aaron*
Me: WHAT THE!?
Aaron: Chill. Want some?
Me: NO THANKS! *walks back to room* Drug addicts...
I mean, seriously! That's incest!!! Whatever. Aaron and his siblings are kinda drugged, maybe not Nick though... he's okay. He just has some bad luck with ladies. Or, he did. He's got Pam.
Anyway, bye diary!
-Jesse
December 18th, 2006
Hey fans!
Crazy, stressful time of year, eh??? Well, being a celebrity you might THINK it's easy for little ol' JMac here but it's actually quite hard.
A couple of weeks ago Jess and the bros (You know, Aaron, "Stevie B" (god, you're pathetic!), Nick, Pam (I know she isn't a man but Nick insisted she'd come), and Jeremy.) went to go and get some Christmas decorations for the tree and around the house and a Christmas tree.
I can tell ya, I was friggin' excited! I couldn't wait to pick out a nice big green tree and get some hot orange decorations but, unfortunately, Christmas isn't as I pictured.
So listen up! I went to the best looking tree as soon as we walked into the little tree selling place. I knew it was the one, but since Pamela's the women she chose one. It's a pathetic little green tree probably about Stevie's height. Pathetic, I know. I was pissed.
Me: NICK, YOU'RE INSANE!!! THIS TREE IS THE ONE NOT THIS... this... SHRUB!
Nick: Jess, chill, it's what the women wants.
Me: But-
Aaron: Jesse, you shouldn't get Nick started--
Nick: *roars loudly in Aaron's face* (I remember smelling his breath, it smelt of sewer. I wanted to ask him what he'd been eating but he was too angry.).
So, when we went into the store to get decorations quickly, Pamela rushed to the isle with pink Christmas balls, red tinsle, and feminine angels that looked the THE PUSSYCAT DOLLS!
Me: Dude, you can't be serious!
Pamela: They're perfect!
Nick: I agree, babe legs.
Stevie: Can we plz get some max steel decorations, Pamela?
Pamela: YEAH!!!
Me: OH gross.
Aaron: How 'bout some of me???
Nick: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!! *pulls down Aaron's pants and spanks him with the spanking stick he carries around in his wallet)
At home I was FORCED to help decorate. When the tree was done, I almost vomited all over the floor. I said it looked nice just to please Nick and I went and wrapped the gifts I got everyone.
I got Aaron a "How To Be Like Jesse McCartney" book that I wrote and some pink hair gel and a hot orange comb.
I got Nick a book called "Angry". I read the back and it says it will help a canine who's angry to become calm and submissive.
I got Stevie a dress he wanted (he claims he doesn't but I know he does! I saw him staring at it.).
I got Pamela a set of dishsoap (a varity of colours), an apron and a set of new sponges and clothes.
And I got Jeremy a book called "Teh Legz". It's about how to prevent wrecking the skin on those "delicate" legs. Ew. But it was on his list.
Oh yeah and my mom sent me a box full of underwear for Christmas. How do I know? Stevie was so excited he opened one of MY presents. It was kind of embarrassing.
Me: HEY! THAT'S MINE!
Stevie: Jesse got underwear!
Aaron: Ha ha!
Me: *wacks Aaron with a lamp* shut up!
Aaron: *laughs stupidly* Sorry.
Nick: Eww. Put that stuff A-WAY!
Pamela: Awwww... how cute!
Me: GRRR!!!!
But yeah, that's about it.
SEE YA DIARY!
-Jesse
March 1st, 2007
Dear diary...
so today I woke up pretty early. That's always good, right? Jesse's been gettin' to bed extra early! (Needs beauty sleep, y'all.). ANYWAY, so I thought I'd update a lil before I went off to have a shower.
Fans! My diary is a great place 2B. You should always be checkin' out this area for updates, aight??? Anyway, so yesterday morning I got up at 7:45, not bad, Jess, not bad, and anyway I heard this noise outside my door. It was like someone was groaning. I figured it must be Aaron trying to piss me off so I walked into my bathroom and had a shower.
Well, when I came out, I still heard this groaning. I was all dressed and lookin' pretty hot for the day and I open my bedroom door to see Aaron LYING on the floor. He wasn't wearing anything but Pamela's pink underwear (How do I know her undies are pink? I used to have to do laundry. Who else's would they be?). Aaron had a bloody nose, a black eye, and bruises all over his body. I was disgusted and he was in my way so I shoved him with my foot and said, "Man! Grow up!"
I went into the kitchen and I saw Nick drinking out of a bottle of beer. He looked really angry. I tried to ignore but the fumes coming out of his ears were really distracting...
Me: What's wrong, Nick?
Nick: Aaron... is... ARRRRRRRRRGH!!!
Me: Whoa! [Backs up into the fridge] Stay back! I know where the chiken tendahs are!
And that's when Nick snapped out of it. He knew exactly what was needed to cure his anger. I grilled up some chiken tendahz and I served twenty five to him on a plate. He put the plate up to his mouth, ignoring the ketchup and the fork I brought him, and let it all slide in. It was sort of strange to see Nick's cheeks that big, but, oh well.
Later that day I'm in my room, just listening to some music of me and stuff and I hear whispers from my bathroom. It's a bit weird, hearing whispers in MY bathroom, especially because Nick, Jeremy, Aaron, Pamela and Stevie were out. So, I picked up a hot pink baseball bat I had lying around and I slowly approached the door. I gently opened it with my hand and peeked inside. There was this... stench(!) like no other! I could barely breathe. I left the bathroom, tied one of my precious orange pairs of underwear around my face and went in.
You know what the J saw? DO YOU KNOW??? I SAW CHRIS TRUSDAYLE IN MY BATHROOM USING MY HAIR GEL, MY SHAVING CREAM, SOME SEWER SHAMPOO+CONDITIONER AND IT WAS THE MOST DISTURBING THING I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!
I picked up my hot orange CORDLESS phone (which was covered in Chris slime!) and wiped it off. Next thing I knew, Chris Trusdayle was being dragged into a cop car by the police.
Me: [Wipes forehead in relief]
Cop: Sorry, dude, you won't be seeing that creep anymore!
Me: Good. Now who's gonna clean my bathroom?
After I asked, the cops drove away. It was kind of rude, if I do say so MYSELF, but I guess those pigs had to go and save someone else. Maybe Stevie. He always drowns in the baby pool at his house and screams about how he'll never go back in it. Yeah, right.
xoxoxox
-Jesse
March 4th 2007
Diary b-e-a-u-tiful diary...
I'm back and ready to write up some interesting happenings of lately...
So, the other day (Friday, to be exact.), I was heading downtown for a photoshoot. This one was pretty huge, I must say, because it meant I was going to be on the cover of "Women's Legs" magazine. I was really excited because, if I do say so myself, my legs do have that feminine look to 'em.
When Jesse McHotness arrives at his babe-a-licious new shoot, guess who I'm greeted by? None other than Lindsay Lohan.
Me: Look who got out of rehab early. [Spits on her shoes]
Lindsay: Lyk o-m-f-g, I know! I was so excited. I got out of rehab and went straight to my bff's house to do some marijuana to celebrate.
Me: Uhh...?
She was shoved aside as soon as Nick saw me. He walked me over to the photographer, who was young and female, and introduced me. Nick was in the magazine before (not good enough to be on the cover! ha ha!) and then yeah. I went into the make-up trailer and got my man make-up applied. It was cool. Then I took off my clothes and put on a nice pair of short lime green shorts and a 'Frolick!' tank top. I looked pretty hot. I put on some sandals and then walked out of the trailer like I was hot as fire.
I walk out onto the blazing beach, sit my cute butt down on a towel and waited. I waited and waited and waited. A few fan girls came up to me, tried to kiss me and then settled with getting my autograph on their ankles. I wouldn't touch any other area of their body. When the photographer finally came, she told me I needed to re-apply my make-up and get my hair blow dried.
I was frustrated. I took myself to the trailer, demanded my hair get done and my make-up re-applied and then I returned to the beach. Well, I was pretty shocked to see Nick posing nude in the ocean. I threw a volley ball at his face and he got knocked out. A few fan girls dove in after him, so he's okay.
Back to me... I sat down on the beach and started posing. I lifted my arms, smelt the air (and man did Nick stink!) and then I pretended to laugh, throw a ball and apply sunscreen. When the photoshoot ended, I was taken back to the studio. On the table there were some chiken tendahz and ketchup w/ fries. I sat down with the photographer and we looked at the pics...
Photographer: Hmm...
Me: [Eats]
Photographer: They stink! You look fat! You look anorexic!
Me: [Coughs] Pardon me? Anorexic? How dare you!
Photographer: No, no, no! No women's legs magazine for Jesse McCartney!
Me: Fine! [Dumps bottle of ketchup in photographer's hair] Goodbye!
I walked out of that studio like a man. I walked with my head held high and my heels clicking on the sidewalk. It was about nine o'clock at night. I was starving and my feet ached. Not only that, my entire body was aching! It really didn't help that I had a bad sunburn, too!
I finally reached home and got inside. I was glad to hear nothing but silence. I walked upstairs and went into my kitchen. I grabbed a red bull out of my fridge and chugged it down like there was no tomorrow... that's when I heard it. Those giggles. I put my red bull on the counter and slowly approached the living room. What you're about to read will disturb you...
Me: WHAT THE!?? [Seeing Aaron and Angel kissing on the couch.]
Aaron: [Looks at me kinda funny] Why're you all red? You blushing?
Me: NO!
Angel: Then p-l-z stop interrupting us.
Me: This is so disgusting. Don't you guys know you're related?
Aaron: Uh... and what's that supposed to mean?
Me: THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE!
Aaron and Angel: [Shrugs]
I left that room as quick as I could. I got another red bull and a thick juicy carrot. I ran to my room, nearly tripping on Stevie's barbie castle and Nick's complete set of collars and bones. I went into my room and slammed the door. I chowed down on my carrot and then finished my red bull. When I was done, I laid on my bed and listened to my beautiful, soothing voice. Suddenly, all the stress I'd gotten from the day had lifted off of me. I was joyful and I leaped into the shower and had a nice warm one. All good so far.
Suddenly, my bedroom door gets knocked down and I hear yelling. I put on my new orange robe and left the bathroom. Nothing would ruin my mood. I peeked out of my room and saw Nick with a Max Steel action figure stuck in his butt. It was so gross, especially seeing Aaron crying in the corner and Angel trying to tug it out. Stevie, meanwhile, had a red butt and was crying the corner of the hallway without pants or underwear. It was the most disgusting thing ever.
I fixed my door the best I could with tape and tried to ignore the sounds of "MY BUTT!" and screaming for the rest of the night.
Gotta go fans! Remember, be Jesse-licious!
x's and o's!
-Jesse
March 12th, 2007
Dear diary...
Today was so... weird. So, I was just reading some of my old magazines from back in the day and, you know, listening to my music. I had me a red bull and some chiken tendahs, too. I laid in my bed, relaxin and stuff when I read this "WHY MEN ARE SO COMPLEX" as a title of an article. I was a bit surprised...
Me: (To myself) That's so sad! Men aren't complex-- women are!
I hadn't realized the magazine article had been written like six years ago. I picked up the phone and dialed the number and was re-directed to the company. It was a bit strange, I must say, to hear those losers on the phone.
But don't worry, y'all!
Jesse's got a story behind this one!
Me: Hello!??? Service is needed over here!
Lady: Hello, I am Gabriella.
Me: Gabriella! Editor of the magazine I read???
Gabriella: Uh huh. What can I do for you, sir?
Me: You mean 'Jesse'.
Gabriella:... Okay...
Me: Okay, so, I was reading one of your issues from back in the day.
Gabriella: Which is...?
Me: Six years ago! Duuh! Back when you didn't have wrinkles.
Gabriella: Pardon?
Me: Nothing. Anyway, it's called "WHY MEN ARE SO COMPLEX"! I was outraged.
Gabriella: L-O-L
Me: Women are the complex ones! Gosh!
So, long conversation short, she said she wanted me on the cover of the magazine. Being that it's such short notice, I would've turned it down like it was nothing. That's what JMac here normally does! Well, wanna know what I did instead? I accepted. Why? this is different! She told me that she wants me to come immediately for the shoot.
I did.
Now, at the end of the day, I have an exclusive copy of the magazine in my hands. It's great. ESPECIALLY because they were going out of business putting ugly girls on the cover. It's time for Jesse!
You'll see what magazine it is soon, fans!
xoxox
-Jesse
March 14th 2007
Diary...!
Life's been quite the challenge since, lyk, two days ago! I can't even begin to explain all dis junk that's been goin' down at my house!
I was sitting on the couch yesterday afternoon, trying out some new foot lotion Pamela recommended me. I sat there, just, you know, rubbing it along my perfectly and naturally soft feet. Aaron comes waltzing upstairs with Angel. They're holding hands. It's gross. Aaron walks into the living room and sit down with Angel on the "love" seat. It was gross, especially to see them kiss each other.
I was so disgusted when Aaron and her started looking at each other disgustingly that I just HAD to leave! I got up, but slipped because my feet with drenched in this cream stuff. So, Angel tries to help me up...
Angel: O-m-g, Jess, r u ok?
Me: Uh.. yeah. *Wipes shoulder* Of course.
Angel: What's on your feet?
Me: Lotion.
Angel: Cool! I got some on my butt.
Me: Excuse me? Where?
Aaron: On her cute butt!
Me: *Tries to hold back the vomit*
I ran out of there, slipping once or twice more and into my room. I locked my door, trying to hide from Angel and Aaron: the incest twins! It's so nasty. I stayed in my room for four hours. Luckily, I installed a mini-bar in there and had all my hot babe-a-licious drinks of choice and snacks in it. I didn't suffer THAT much!
The next day, I get up, do my usual stuff. I have a shower in my bathroom, shave my face, do mah hair and, ya know, the basics. Aaron comes bursting into my bathroom when I'm just in my boxers.
PAUSE.
There's one rule in my house: NEVER, I repeat, NEVER WALK IN ON JESSE WHILE HE'S JUST IN HIS UNDERGARMENTS.
I was angry. Aaron didn't seem to notice- yet. He came in and put some lipgloss on in my mirror. He wore a summer dress and a pair of Angel's sandals (how do I tell? Well, gee, let's see... THEY SAY ANGEL ON THEM AND THEY'RE WORN OUT!!!).
Me: What are you doing in here?
Aaron: Putting mah gloss on.. you know, Angel's using my bathroom.
Me: GET. OUT. RIGHT. NOW!!!
Suddenly, I hear the front door slam. A very pissed off Nick comes upstairs and storms into my room. I thought he was going to yell at me about the bills or something but he grabbed Aaron.
I watched as he took him outside (don't worry, ladies, my clothes were on by then!), pulled down his pants in front of a passing car and spanked him hard with the hose. I know I ain't ever using that again! Yuck!
So yeah. I guess they're not "challenges" but, bro, it's such a difficult thing to stand!
xox
-Jesse
March 25th, 2007
Dear diary...
Another day I just need to write about! Well, as you know, it's Sunday. For Jess, it's usually peaceful. I enjoy quite a lot considering my hectic schedule and people who constantly call me claiming to need me for something.
I got out of bed this morning and I saw something disturbing glued to my window. It was a big fat picture of Aaron and Angel hugging. I was so mad that I almost screamed. I forgot one thing though: I'd just gotten my teeth whitened at the dentist, had I screamed I wouldn't blew all the paint off of my teeth and on the wall.
I ripped it off and opened it. It was a, oh god, WEDDING INVITATION!!! I was so weirded out. I picked up the phone and called Nick.
Me: WHAT'S GOING ON HERE???
Nick: What you talking bout?
Me: YOUR BROTHER AND SISTER ARE GETTNIG MARRIED!
Nick: WHAT!???????? 9hangs up)
I wasn't sure what to do next and so I went and got dressed. No shower. No time. I saw Aaron and Angel sitting at the kitchen table. I guess they were having a speaker phone conversation with their mom. They smiled brightly but I heard their mom yelling on the phone.
Aaron: Come on, ma! It'll be great. You gotta come.
A.C and A.C's mom: ARE YOU KIDS CRAZY!?
Angel: But momma! I love him!
I remember not eating any breakfast that morning and seeing my dinner again. It was nasty!
In other news that won't make you throw up your BLOODY GUTS... Em and I broke up. I know, it's tragic. I need to explain something.
I didn't cheat on Em. I'm completely faithful to my ladies. I always will be. This man right here couldn't bear breaking a woman's heart and watching her fall apart. Nope. No way.
Em and I were meant2B. I was gonna have that written on our wedding cake. But no. She cheated on me with tons of different guys whenever I was gone. I always knew. So, if she tells you I cheated, that ain't true.
Em.. where's the girl I used to know?
xxxx
-Jesse
P.S. Boys, consider what you read about me and my now ex-girl!
April 20th, 2007
Dear diary...
Been a lil bit stressed lately. Wow. It's amazing how much such considerably "small" chaos can cause you. I know, I know, I haven't updated in ages but life's been, well, chaotic!
I'm sure y'all see my last entry. I know. I could vomit, too! Let me begin, though, with the past few days...
04/16/07
I got up at 6:23 AM to hear some... sound. It was so odd. Seeing as it's MY FRICKEN HOUSE (I had to get outta the one I share with my bros! You'll soon see why!), I had no idea what it might be. I slipped on my hot orange slippers, yawned, stretched and went downstairs. You could probably just guess what was going on.
I opened my front door to ANGEL and AARON (wtf!?? he never gets up early like that!). They fell right in my front door, so I couldn't close it. Judging by the door hanging open on Aaron's car, the alcohol bottles falling out and the current condition of the car Aaron and Angel had a long night. What for? Oh, god!
I picked them up and decided to be a friend. I was going to just toss them in the bushes and call the police but I decided not to. Aaron and Angel would OWE me BIG TIME!!!
I pulled them inside my house and trashed them in the extra bedrooms. Yes, bedrooms. I like them separate.
A few hours later, I hear someone creeping down the hall. I took a very brief break from chiken tendahz, so I was making a PB&J (if you have no clue what that is it's peanut butter and jelly!) sandwich and listening to the radio softly.
It was Angel being a creep. She went and sat down. I knew by then that she'd thrown up in the bathroom (though I wasn't so sure it was in the toilet!), so I got her some cold water. She told me everything...
Angel: Aaron and I...
Me: *Tries not to vomit*
Angel: We got married...
Me: *Tosses PB&J sandwich*
Angel: And we decided since we can't afford anything for our honeymoon we should just get drunk. So we did. Twice. It was awesome.
Me: ARE YOU INSANE!??
Angel:...Not only that, the police were chasing us last night. It was awesome, too!
Within minutes, after discovering A.C. was up, I phoned the cops and they were taken away.
04/17/07
I got several phone calls from them, begging me to bail them out. I think Nick got some, too. BUT since Nick placed his money in a safe because he no longer trusts the bank and forgot the combination he has no access. He's been borrowing from Pamela since April 2nd.
I wouldn't bail them out. I'm supposed to be a pal, I know, and what Aaron and Angel do is none of my business but Aaron owes me lots of money! (I learned my lesson after the 12th time and stopped letting him borrow!)
04/18/07
I felt particularly generous this time and decided to VISIT Angel and Aaron. I walked into the jail, cameras flashing, and inside I went. Aaron and Angel were separated because the guard believe's incest is wrong. I shrugged it off. He kept talking to me about it and what can happen to the incest couple's child...
Great, I didn't THEM to go and have a kid!
Anyway, so I walked up to the bars of Aaron's cell and I talked to him...
Me: Man, just get a divorce!
Aaron: *Looks over at Angel and smiles* No way! Once you get married, you're commited for life!
I couldn't bear it from then on. I left.
04/19/07
I was invited to a party that night. Seeing as it was Thursday, I called up the host and said I couldn't go. Aaron phoned me several times and left threatening messages. I guess he got out of jail.
I was surprised that afternoon when there was a loud bang at my front door. I looked downstairs and saw that Aaron was there. How could I tell? My orange curtains weren't shut and I saw his disgusting wanna-be-me outfit.
I opened my door and saw Aaron holding a gun. He shot my front door. I was a bit panicked, but tried to keep calm while asking Aaron where he'd gotten it...
Aaron: You DIDN'T bail me out!
Me: I didn't have the money.
Aaron: LIAR!!! *Shoots my expensive bushes*
Me: *Slams front door*
Aaron then stormed off once he heard the sirens, understanding that this friendship is OVER. I was satisfied. Aaron's a pig and after I tossed my sandwich that day he dug it up out of the garbage and ate it.
04/20/07
Everything's insane and while yesterday was strange, I'm still here today. I had to hire policemen to surround my house after Aaron returned with the gun and fell off a ladder trying to get into my window. The police arrested him AGAIN and I still have NO CLUE how he got out of jail!!!
I got up this morning with five messages on my machine. I played them out, all from Hayden (if you're wondering, I got a new babe!) excluding the fifth. It was Nick. This is what he said:
"Man! I thought you and Aaron were bros. You called the cops on him so many times in one week I'm not sure what to think! Aaron's been bailed out twice by my mom- who claims to have no money! Jess, you need to man up and apologize! xoxox Nick."
He said "xoxox"! Sick! Anyway, I called him back and told him I wasn't going to apologize. I refused. I mean, how can you to someone who'd treated you so badly?
I'll conclude this entry with an apology to my FANS! I'm sorry that y'all've been so loyal to me and I haven't been doing much updating. It gets hectic when you're becoming a bigger star each day! ;) Ya know?
Love,
Jesse!
May 3rd, 2008
Dear diary,
It's been so long; you're probably wondering where I've been! Well, I'll tell you where I've been... busy, god damn it!
It's been hard to keep up with a totally hot website when you're as famous as I am.
Let's just cover the basics, shall we?
After Aaron's effed up marriage to his sister, Angel, I asked Aaron to move out. Now, before you start judging me and all, I would like to say in my defense that I was very... polite about it.
Me: Aaron, I think it's time you and Angel find your own place.
Aaron: What? You think money grows on trees? How would I pay for a place?
Me: Angel's got money.
Aaron: She's saving it.
Me: For what?
Aaron: Oh, so what? You gotta know everything about everyone now?
Me: That's not-
Aaron: I'm sick of dis junk!
And he left... finally.. or so I thought.
About a week later, the little puke shows up at my doorstep, COVERED in Chinese food and looking like a total loser and says, "Jesse, please...".
Me: What did you do?!
Aaron: Angel and I got a place...
Me: And...?
Aaron: Angel didn't like me shaving while I watched TV, or when I removed our bed from the bedroom and replaced it with a hot tub. We had to eat dinner on the floor tonight because I sold all of our furniture for a new pair of sneakers. She dumped all of the food all over me and screamed at me until the neighbors called the police. I had to run from the scene so they wouldn't arrest me!
Me: You're such a imbecile!
And I let the kid in. He and Angel just finalized their divorce and now Angel is off dating a bunch of different guys. Ew.
But less about stupid Aaron, and more about Jesse.
I was working on my third studio album, writing songs about Emily and my brocken heart when I realized something... I need to show Emily that I don't need her anymore!
But obviously some mistakes were made...
Not by me, of course.
Somehow, this joker named Usher got into the process of producing my album. MY album. Was that clear? MY album. Jesse McCarntey's third album.
Anyway, somehow it all exploded into a bunch of R&B stuff. I don't know how, and I don't know why. I was looking to have a song with a similar sound to Beautiful Soul as my next single, but no... I have to release a song called 'Leavin''. Aaron thinks he wrote it, but I told him to shut up and get out of my room. He didn't write it, I did!
So anyway, my people expect that I'm gonna release this R&B album which they titled Departure. Sure, it applies... in that I'm departing from where I belong! I'm so mad right now I could smash a plate on Aaron's face, but *for once* he's sleeping and I don't want him to wake up, or Nick'll have a fit.
